dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
