your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
