Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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