I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
