put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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