why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
