Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
