Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
