Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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