Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
