Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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