I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
