oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
