I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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