I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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