I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
