I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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