Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
