id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
