I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
