yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
