My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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