Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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