Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
