I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
