apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
