i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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