forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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