His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
