Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
