Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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