Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
