apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
