The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
