I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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