I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
