i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
