saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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