Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
