i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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