Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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