do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
