It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
