I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
