wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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