Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
