she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
