I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
