Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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