dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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