I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
