He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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