Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Come on in and take your pants off
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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